It's currently 3 AM where I'am from, yet I am not sleeping. My neighbour was burning rubbish and the odour made me feel sick. Well this same thing is happening to my brain in the moment, metaphorically of course.It's infested by a lot of useless shit.I really would like to come out clean, I really wish I had a clear brain. Yet I keep repeating those same mistakes over and over.
You know how many people are adopting the "minimalist lifestyle"? I mean I didn't really know about it for long time, but I was following it rules unconciously. I never really had any desire to spend my money, I were living using old outdated electronics for long time. Maybe it was some kind of ascetism, however I believe that in order to heal my soul I must go even further! I might have to give up using Internet for some period of time.
30. 07 2020
Lol I just complained about how unregularlry I update this site, yet I'm doing excactly the same thing once again. OK let's just say the updates on the site are connected with state of my mind. Because it's pretty bad most of the times so is frequency of updates low. Is my excuse good enough? ^_^
But seriously it's a huge defect of mine.I used to have an e-mail penpal with whom I've exchanged e-mail for almost a year. She was interesting person and it was really cool to write with her. But for some reason I started replying less and I still didn't reply to her last email. It's entirely my guilt because she tolerated it and said it was ok. If only I were able to keep focused on something for a longer time than couple of days and I'm talking about everything - relationships, hobbies job and so on.
I managed to finish Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney. It was quite a fun and challenging game to play. Sometimes I felt really happy when I was able to find the correct answer to something. And the characters were really expresive. Honestly whenever I see characters included in some games or visual novel I want to be like them . I mean I want to be unique and make lasting impression on people. Don't get me wrong, I don't really want to be some kind of snowflake. I don't want to pretend to be cooler than I am ( or not really ) I hate the fact that most of people is moreless alike. Like some kind of NPCs really ! If you talk to one of them, You don't need to talk to others because they are going to be really alike. However I don't think I am better. I spend almost every free moment in front of computer and I am not really doing anything really! These people who watch netfix well at least they do something and may talk about it later with their friends. But I am to lazy to do even that. However I've got a plan. Maybe I'll check out other people websites on neocities, maybe I'll read some books or play some games. Yeah It may seem as form of relax and you know wasting time for most people but for me it's still a step forward from watching Youtube and shit
16. 06 2020
I started running pretty regularly. Making yourself tired feels somewhat good for my brain.And I somehow managed to survive some time without fap. But now I broke the fast and feel a little weak:(.
I've been talking with a girl I met in internet. It was pretty ok untill I found out that I don't have anything to say. I started feeling insanely insecure and tense so I stoped attemping to keep in touch. I'am not sure if I am really able to keep interhuman relationships. I mean I am not entirely giving up but maaan it's really bad when you can't really keep up the conversation without making other side bored.
I just obtained my undergraduate degree today. Maybe I should feel happy because of it? After all it's some kind of achievement right? Honestly I am not sure what am I feeling right now. For the moment I just feel that im letting out some of the stress connected to piecing together all this shit. So I guess I can relax for brief moment. However I should not let my guards down.Because the dangers and opportunities may show up at every moment.I don't know really. Maybe I should leave the whole self-improvement mumbo jumbo alltogether? Actually I haven't read any book or watched any Jordan Peterson or somethig for years. These thoughts are ultimately the offspring of my brain, of my state of mind. I desperately cling to HOPE. I agree that's foolish, maybe it's even deceiving myself. Some things of my Philosophy of Life needs mending or replacing but i got the feeling that I got at least some things right.
Sorry for neglecting this site. I try to write more often
I am sorry for not writing anything for long time, I was a bit busy with my thesis. It's about mythology. I read really interesting conception of mythology by Claude Levi-Strauss( or maybe it was M. Eliade, sorry I don't remeber). He noticed that no matter where does the myth origin from, one motive was especially important. The purpose of myths is essentially denial of death and passing of time, which makes our human life so miserable. That everything in the world has meaning, even the bad things. It maybe clever to look why we are in the shape we are in today. I have always believed that it was my fault. I denied to find reasons like my upbringing, the society or culture. It did impact me on the way, however nothing really can be done about that. What matters is what I do with the time I have left. Don't get me wrong! I may speak lofty, however when talking about realization I really suck.
Currently watching: Miami Vice It's a criminal series from the 80's. Heck ! It holds the essence of the Eighties. Awesome music, bright coloured clothes, and really great atmosphere. I really like the fact the fact that main heroes are balancing on the border of good and evil. And man ! They are practically the definition of coolness.
I feel bad for not updating for quite a long period of time. However it would be weird if something interesting happened when you only stay at home. After all it's other people that may impact our life the most. We won't be able to redeem ourselves, at least it's very hard. After all we live in a society, and without other people we won't be able to accomplish a lot. Life by oneself is more miserable, it's more possible that one will "sin". Me as a fap addict is actually more vunerable during periods of loneliness. However I somehow don't do it that often even though I have lots of worries. But really, I believe things will get better.
I felt a big sorrow,because I noticed, that I probbably wont be able to find job after graduation. Maybe I have just wasted three years, because I didn't learn as much as I thought I will, maybe because I didn't put in enough energy in studying. In all other aspects I suck- no friends, no hobbies. So I am deffinietly in some kind of turning point in my life. I may still be able to get out of it. Maybe I might be able to rise and shine, however I may need to work much harder to leave the muddy swamp. I made a bit progress on planing a couple of things in my VN, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to get it done.
I am writing this simply because I don't have anyything to do. Seriously I can't put myself together to do anything. Lately I've been playing Cantr- online RPG game, where the world is created by the players. I think it's a really interesting concept because you get the chance to create lore of the world and have to be active. What's my main problem though? I am not able to find any purpose in life. I don't really want what would I want and how to reach it. I am ashamed how much I've been deceived by the agents of NWO. They made me excactly that way they wanted to be. It's scary to be concious of that fact, but never able to escape, probbably it would be easier to be unaware.
Due to Corona-Chan our University will be closed for some period of time. I feel a bit happy, but in the same time it means that I'll have lots of free time and no fucking idea how to spend them. I'll try to write my thesis and continue work on my eventual VN. Recently I finished Danganronpa 2. By the way I think as situation continues to develop I may end up in the same conditions as heroes of the game. I mean locked in a place without chance to go out.In the beginning I was a bit pissed of by couple of things, like the tropical island tone of the game and the fact that it didn't have that heavy atmosphere I particullary enjoyed in the first part. However as it was geting closer to the end it only got better. And the ending had a really amazing plot twist.It may be hard to create a good sequel if the first part was this successfull. They managed to sattisfy my demands however I still preffer the first time for that feeling of being traped, despair and really awesome music. I may download some VN just to keep away from boredom.I know piracy is bad and I really feel bad for creators of some of amazing games I downloaded and played. I promise myself to buy them if I start earning enough money.
I had a dream about my first love. I guess I don't have a lot feelings for her nowadays, maybe apart from couple beatifull memories. But I got really depressed when we split our ways. But the feeling of love at that time really made me stronger even after I recovered from sadness. I have never been in a relationship. I was always too afraid to speak from my heart. I'm so desperate for love that i almost imediattely fall for a girl that said I was cute, even though it was a sign she didn't treat me as an adult but rather a pet or child. I kinda get it. I am not really manly. I am more like a girl brain put in mans body. Not in the gender dysphorphia way. But I was always more sensitive, weren't really that interested in typical things that were popular among my colleagues. Now I am close to the end of my university and I am still lonely. That propablly mean it's going to stay that way forever as it gets harder to get to know someone after uni. But I will keep on trying at the very least get some friends. That will make me somewhat happier.So I would like to focus on my personal growth for now on. Not in the spiritual way or any shit. I just want to be able to do my duties rather correctly, develop my personal interest and get rid of bad habbits
Things aren't really going smoothly for me. Some peoples that I used to interact me, are now ignoring me even though I didn't do anything bad. I failed an exam which could somewhat improve my situation. And I lost my purse lately so I've got to get my documents issued again. Even my freaking horoscope shows I'm gotta experience problems on every field. The easiest way to react on all these problems would be to sink into despair. But somehow I am accepting it. I've got to accept that we can't have anything that we want. We've got to keep our eyes open. Maybe there are other ways for us to go, maybe they may lead us to even more beatifull places. So I guess I kinda accepted my fate. I'll rather focus on the things I may actually impact, than mourn about the state and conditions of myself.
I feel kind of bad for updating so rarely. Day before yesterday I wanted to write something, however wind caused electricity shortage so I didn't have access to internet for couple days. We still had light but electricity was only available in some spots. Because of it I felt bored for the first time in long time. I mean I was just accustommed to constantly checking out various websites. So I didn't need to bother about the outer world, about other people, about emotion. When Internet access was gone I needed to find some kind of substitute. Some kind of time-filler. So I was talking to family, reading books, heck even writing my goddamn thesis (by the way deadline for delievering it is approaching, so I am in reaallly deep hole) All in all I really vallue this experience. And I'll try to change my life accordingly to make it more tranquil. I shouldn't try to make a revolution but rather step by step. However even though I may make such great ressolutions I bet that I won't be able to persist, but maybe writing it out will help me anyhow.
So what did excactly happen durring those 2 months of Brand New Year? Well if I look back on all these past events I can barely remember anything. It's like a thick fog that made everything behind and ahead of me appear vague. What to do in such situation? I guess at least You could try to keep your back straight. Try to mind every step and despite every odds choose the right way. It's better to move slower than rest of the pack, even making one small step by day, than completly giving up and sink into despair. Don't get me wrong. It's not like I have any kinds of great ideas in mind. Also I don't really believe in this motivational bullshit. However there is some kind of drive inside me that doesn't allow me to give up, despite countless defeats and failures. Well I get saved by my luck pretty often so I usually believe that things are going to be OK anyway. But if I want my life to be more than OK at some field I'd have to put in some effort, maybe even more than average human since I neglected my duties and things I should have done in order to lead a normal life.
Just noticed it's been almost a month since I updated the site. Sorry for everyone.
Well I spent quite nice Christmas with my family. You see, In my country it's still pretty conectected to Tradition and Religion. Although I wouldn't describe myself as religious person, I still believe in some kind of deity. World is more than science can tell us.ll Religions are precious heritage of humanity. And I don't want them to dissapear :c Anyway I was deeply moved during the Christmas Eve Mass. The traditional Carolls were so beatifull I couldn't stop tears from falling . I felt some higher emotion. As I am barely feeling any emotions lately I really apreciate it.
But now I'am back to my reality, surfing the fucking Internet from morning to late night. However I also immersed myself in Stein's Gate VN. Oh God. It's really good. The characters are really interesting, story quite thrilling and art style also great. I like it, I love it. As this will be probbably the last update in this Year, I would like to wish everyone Happy New Year!
Autumn has already began. Luckily it's not that cold yet. I'm still in bad mental state, but I managed to force myself to do something.Guess that's good.Me and my friend watched couple episodes of Konosuba. And afterwards I felt devastated, simply because the guy even though being a hikkikomori managed to find friends (maybe even more) Additionally it strongly activated my sex drive. It's not really good on this field recently- I was so frustrated that I considered going to hooker. It was shocking even for me! That's a sign how lonely I feel and well... that something's wrong. Guess I feel lonely and do something about that right? However after most of the attemps I catch cringe and say to myself "What the fuck are you doing?"
My days could be described as void, to scared to do anything, hard to keep on working on something feeling that it's no use. But I haven't given up yet
It' s been pretty hard week. After return from home, I couldn't pick myself together. I don't know why, really. From morning to late night I've been playing GTA Vice City. It's a good game with a nice atmosphere but I shouldn't be behaving like fucking kid ignoring all my responsibillities. I'am soon to graduate, and what I'm gonna do? Of course being a NEET wouldn't be that bad but it would mean totally giving up on being a part of society, giving up all my dreams of contributing to the humanity. The title of my page is: Children on the grass of the world in Chinese. These few world was created by randomly typing worlds in Japanese in order to create funny looking words. I was really bored, ok? ^-^ But these words describe my life kind of accuratly. Always feeling to stupid to enter adults world, hardly capable to do anything, immature and not ready to live on our own. However, childs view of the world is unique. Maybe a little naive, but imaginative, innocent and clear and able to understand some things that adults would never be able to comprehend. However it shouldn't rather be seen as something cool or unique. As it would be better to adults to keep their imagination, without hard work and resposibillity our world would fall appart.
During those hard days, vocaloid songs would really keep up my spirit. It may be funny, but the view of dancing anime girls would make me smile like a fool. In order to honor them properlly I am currently drawing Kasane Teto. What more to add? Our missery will end someday. It' s worth to be positive even if we think we won't make it.
Sorry I haven't been updating. I could say that I come back to college, but it would only be a silly excuse.I just can't get my shit together.I'am still doing nothing for the most of the day, like it was still holiday. But it isn't. I should finally start trying to improve myself. I've been repeating this words for at least couple of years. And yet, nothing changed. Sometimes I even got the impression, everything is going to hell. One may ask what the fuck is wrong with me? Firstly I've been lately been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. That made me understand why things are sometimes going diffrently for me. Still it's hard for me to accept the truth. And I hate self-pitying. So let's continue. The second thing may be masturbation addiction. I know that's it stupid and possibly pathetic, but that's how things are OK? So please kids, don't watch porn. It made me feel like my brain was melting. It made me waste many chances to get social life and lowered my self-esteem. What more should I say? I don't really know how to get out of vicious cycle. I have some offline diary depicting some turning points of my life. I may translate them soon, but I'm still not sure about it. That's pretty big acumulation of negative energy right? So let's end it on positive note. Lately I had a lots about my potential Visual Novel seting. I come up with a few characters and place of it. When I will feel confident about them I may upload some info.
For the past few days,I've been playing Danganronpa. I have almost finished, so I'll probably write a brief review soon.But for the time being I'd share some loose thoughts. One of the main topic of the game is deceiving others.It's not only about consequences of being caught. The other element is not believing what you're able to do, about your black side that, need to be hidden. We haven't been possesed it's actually who we are. In grim situations it may be harder to controll our reactions, we simply want to survive. However as society is in fact our enviroment, then we need to adapt. We don't say anything we want, we don't break common laws in fear of being left alone. It may not be that bad actually, as it helps to preserve social order, but it may also limit us as humanity. I just noticed that I've been building that lie for my entire life. I was pretending to be normal, I was trying to hide every fact about me from others, but actually it led me to frustration and sorrow. Maybe i should just accept my weirdness and build future on truth, not lies
Yesterday I went to the river bank, simply to rest for a while. The sound of flowing water, and sunset made me feel at ease for a short moment. After that returning to my everyday life seemed so painful, cause I realized how my mistakes of the past shaped tomorrow. But don't worry I won't brag about it since it's useless. There were also couple good things. I finished watching Watamote. Even though it was cringey it also made me cry as it was relatable. I had mental meltdown and did things a bit like poor Tomoko. Besides from that I also drawed for a while. I continued drawing which I began several months ago but didn't do anyting on it. When I finish I'll post results here. I may also read/play some Visual Novels like Clannad. And improve the design of my webpage.
Lately I began reading Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. I am not even able to read traditional version as my attention span is too low. So I simply listen to audiobook. I roam the city with earphones on my head and cigarette in my mouth. Words of the book really made me think. Even if it was writen in 30's, the setting have some simmilarities to our world. Today we are also made to buy more, products are made to break. But the thing I find scariest is brainwashing. Today we need to be part of social media OR you will be outcast, you got to follow the newest Netflix series or you won't have any topics to discuss with your friends. Community may declare themselves as the most open and tollerant, but they still find some words inacceptable. They won't even consider words outside of their mindset. I spent countless hours browsing memes, watching Youtube videos and doing other pointless things. And after such session I fel more and more stupid. I literally felt that after this some parts of brain became temporarilly unavailable. I also got to experience month without internet. It was great, my motivation was high, my mind was clear and life was pleasure. It's a proof that internet really impact our mind.