Autumn has already began. Luckily it's not that cold yet. I'm still in bad mental state, but I managed to force myself to do something.Guess that's good.Me and my friend watched couple episodes of Konosuba. And afterwards I felt devastated, simply because the guy even though being a hikkikomori managed to find friends (maybe even more) Additionally it strongly activated my sex drive. It's not really good on this field recently- I was so frustrated that I considered going to hooker. It was shocking even for me! That's a sign how lonely I feel and well... that something's wrong. Guess I feel lonely and do something about that right? However after most of the attemps I catch cringe and say to myself "What the fuck are you doing?"
My days could be described as void, to scared to do anything, hard to keep on working on something feeling that it's no use. But I haven't given up yet
It' s been pretty hard week. After return from home, I couldn't pick myself together. I don't know why, really. From morning to late night I've been playing GTA Vice City. It's a good game with a nice atmosphere but I shouldn't be behaving like fucking kid ignoring all my responsibillities. I'am soon to graduate, and what I'm gonna do? Of course being a NEET wouldn't be that bad but it would mean totally giving up on being a part of society, giving up all my dreams of contributing to the humanity. The title of my page is: Children on the grass of the world in Chinese. These few world was created by randomly typing worlds in Japanese in order to create funny looking words. I was really bored, ok? ^-^ But these words describe my life kind of accuratly. Always feeling to stupid to enter adults world, hardly capable to do anything, immature and not ready to live on our own. However, childs view of the world is unique. Maybe a little naive, but imaginative, innocent and clear and able to understand some things that adults would never be able to comprehend. However it shouldn't rather be seen as something cool or unique. As it would be better to adults to keep their imagination, without hard work and resposibillity our world would fall appart.
During those hard days, vocaloid songs would really keep up my spirit. It may be funny, but the view of dancing anime girls would make me smile like a fool. In order to honor them properlly I am currently drawing Kasane Teto. What more to add? Our missery will end someday. It' s worth to be positive even if we think we won't make it.
Sorry I haven't been updating. I could say that I come back to college, but it would only be a silly excuse.I just can't get my shit together.I'am still doing nothing for the most of the day, like it was still holiday. But it isn't. I should finally start trying to improve myself. I've been repeating this words for at least couple of years. And yet, nothing changed. Sometimes I even got the impression, everything is going to hell. One may ask what the fuck is wrong with me? Firstly I've been lately been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. That made me understand why things are sometimes going diffrently for me. Still it's hard for me to accept the truth. And I hate self-pitying. So let's continue. The second thing may be masturbation addiction. I know that's it stupid and possibly pathetic, but that's how things are OK? So please kids, don't watch porn. It made me feel like my brain was melting. It made me waste many chances to get social life and lowered my self-esteem. What more should I say? I don't really know how to get out of vicious cycle. I have some offline diary depicting some turning points of my life. I may translate them soon, but I'm still not sure about it. That's pretty big acumulation of negative energy right? So let's end it on positive note. Lately I had a lots about my potential Visual Novel seting. I come up with a few characters and place of it. When I will feel confident about them I may upload some info.
For the past few days,I've been playing Danganronpa. I have almost finished, so I'll probably write a brief review soon.But for the time being I'd share some loose thoughts. One of the main topic of the game is deceiving others.It's not only about consequences of being caught. The other element is not believing what you're able to do, about your black side that, need to be hidden. We haven't been possesed it's actually who we are. In grim situations it may be harder to controll our reactions, we simply want to survive. However as society is in fact our enviroment, then we need to adapt. We don't say anything we want, we don't break common laws in fear of being left alone. It may not be that bad actually, as it helps to preserve social order, but it may also limit us as humanity. I just noticed that I've been building that lie for my entire life. I was pretending to be normal, I was trying to hide every fact about me from others, but actually it led me to frustration and sorrow. Maybe i should just accept my weirdness and build future on truth, not lies
Yesterday I went to the river bank, simply to rest for a while. The sound of flowing water, and sunset made me feel at ease for a short moment. After that returning to my everyday life seemed so painful, cause I realized how my mistakes of the past shaped tomorrow. But don't worry I won't brag about it since it's useless. There were also couple good things. I finished watching Watamote. Even though it was cringey it also made me cry as it was relatable. I had mental meltdown and did things a bit like poor Tomoko. Besides from that I also drawed for a while. I continued drawing which I began several months ago but didn't do anyting on it. When I finish I'll post results here. I may also read/play some Visual Novels like Clannad. And improve the design of my webpage.
Lately I began reading Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. I am not even able to read traditional version as my attention span is too low. So I simply listen to audiobook. I roam the city with earphones on my head and cigarette in my mouth. Words of the book really made me think. Even if it was writen in 30's, the setting have some simmilarities to our world. Today we are also made to buy more, products are made to break. But the thing I find scariest is brainwashing. Today we need to be part of social media OR you will be outcast, you got to follow the newest Netflix series or you won't have any topics to discuss with your friends. Community may declare themselves as the most open and tollerant, but they still find some words inacceptable. They won't even consider words outside of their mindset. I spent countless hours browsing memes, watching Youtube videos and doing other pointless things. And after such session I fel more and more stupid. I literally felt that after this some parts of brain became temporarilly unavailable. I also got to experience month without internet. It was great, my motivation was high, my mind was clear and life was pleasure. It's a proof that internet really impact our mind.